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What is a Narcissist?
Narcissistic abuse is a deeply unsettling experience. Whether the relationship is romantic, familial or professional, it can confuse your instincts, impact your self-esteem, and leave you emotionally drained. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a world-renowned expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). She describes four pillars of maladaptive behaviour patterns exhibited by individuals with NPD: Exaggerated feelings of self-importance, chronic sense of entitlement, diminished empathy and an excessive need for admiration.
Individuals with NPD are often identifiable through their grandiosity and arrogance. However, those with covert NPD are much more difficult to spot. Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is characterized by a facade of humility, introversion, and hypersensitivity. People with covert NPD have a seemingly modest demeanour, appearing shy and even insecure. However, they harbour the same need for admiration and control as their overt counterparts. They have the same characteristic self-absorbed traits as the overt narcissist outlined above. They engage in passive-aggressive behaviour, such as giving backhanded compliments, subtle devaluing comments or using silent treatment to manipulate their partner. The damage they cause is just as destructive as their overt counterparts.
4-Stage Relationship
People with NPD typically move through relationships in four phases: Idealization, devaluation, discard and hoovering. This perfect system entraps, manipulates and disorients their victims (also known as supply) into serving their insatiable need for admiration and validation.
Idealization
In the idealization phase, they are charismatic, attentive and adoring. They groom the supply into believing they are the most important person in their life. The “love-bombing” will move quickly and include grand gestures of gifts and flattery. They are masters at mirroring and becoming your perfect mate while using the time to discover your vulnerabilities and the nuances of how they can manipulate you.
Devaluation
Individuals with NPD often put others down to feel important. Their lack of empathy enables them to move through the devaluation stage guilt-free. As soon as you are properly primed and completely enamoured by them, the verbal and emotional abuse will start. It often escalates into blame, insults, shaming and accusations. If you criticize them, even constructively, they tend to turn hostile, attack you, and play the victim. They may even use your weaknesses against you, and isolate you from your friends, family and co-workers. Gaslighting, a tactic that leaves you questioning your reality or sanity, is another hallmark trait that people with NPD use to leave you doubting yourself and dependent on them for validation.
Dr. Durvasula notes that people with NPD constantly criticize, manipulate, and devalue their victims, leading them to feel worthless and insecure. Some become financially dependent on the abuser and isolated from their support system. A trauma bond forms when a person is so confused, hurt and dependent on their abuser, that they do not feel they can leave.
Discard
When the narcissist has no more use for you, they will begin the hunt for a new supply. In marriages and other forms of committed relationships, their lies, deception and gaslighting peak while they have extra-marital affairs. Accusations you make against them will turn into arguments that end with you apologizing for your outbursts. Couples therapy can often be difficult and if progress occurs it moves at a glacial pace. People with NPD exaggerate their contributions to relationships and deny their faults. Their uncompromising stance can make them challenging to reach and many end up firing their therapists. The discard phase will happen when they find your replacement. It can happen impersonally via text, or suddenly and without explanation.
In professional relationships, people with NPD may isolate their victims, harass, bully, and treat them with contempt, egging them into unwilling resignations.
Hoovering
Tragically, victims of narcissistic abuse often realize the quantum of damage done to them when they finally decide to end the relationship. People with NPD have a strong need for validation and control. Suppose a relationship ends before they are ready. In that case, they may attempt various strategies to reestablish contact and regain control to bring you back into their sphere of influence.
Be prepared for crocodile tears, fake apologies, and false promises. The “hoovering” phase can be intense and manipulative, as the narcissist attempts to draw you back into the relationship. Unfortunately, many individuals caught in narcissistic abuse go through multiple cycles of these stages, sometimes lasting years or even decades, before they ultimately choose to break free.
Ending Narcissistic Abuse
The most challenging phase of these relationships often arises with your decision to end them permanently. The narcissist’s wounded ego can result in them viewing you as an adversary, leading to potentially intense conflict. In the case of divorce, it may turn into a highly contentious and prolonged legal battle. Within familial relationships, severing ties can be emotionally impactful and require healthy boundaries. In professional contexts, disputes over severance or termination pay could escalate into protracted legal struggles.
Individuals who end a narcissistic abusive relationship may require a trauma-informed therapist to support them during the separation stage. This is when abusers may become more manipulative or hostile. For some, this can also be a dangerous period because people with NPD can continue to traumatize their victims even after the separation. Some circumstances may require law enforcement and legal assistance.
The Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
The cyclical nature of a narcissistic relationship with its alternating periods of affection and abuse can leave victims significantly impacted, extending far beyond the relationship itself. It can cause long-lasting scars, anxiety and depression that affect future relationships and overall health. Lindsay Gibson, the author of “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents“, discusses how narcissistic parents cause children to grow into adults who feel unworthy, helpless, and disconnected from their true selves. The constant invalidation and manipulation erode self-confidence, making it difficult for victims to trust their perceptions and judgments. This can lead to a pervasive sense of inadequacy and self-doubt, that spill over into all areas of their lives.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Recovery from any abusive relationship is long and gradual. However, a strong support system that includes your therapist, close family members and friends can help you to move forward. The first step may be to distance yourself from the abuser both physically and emotionally. You may have to go no-contact or set firm boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation. You will also require time to grieve the end of a relationship with someone you believed you could trust. Engage in activities that bring joy, and connect with others who have experienced similar situations.
If you are looking for help on any aspect of narcissistic abuse, contact us. We will match you with a trauma-informed therapist who will help you practise self-care to work through the trauma and build up your emotional strength, confidence and autonomy. Remember, the abuse was never your fault.
