Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
When we think of toxic and harmful relationships, physical abuse is often the first thing that comes to mind. But there’s a far quieter, more insidious kind of harm that can be just as devastating: coercive control. This form of abuse includes manipulation, isolation and control. Canadian law, specifically the Divorce Act recognizes coercive control as a form of family violence. Provincial and territorial courts are thankfully paying closer attention to this type of violence that leaves no visible scars but devastating emotional ones.
Coercive control impacts all sexes but overwhelmingly women. In February 2022, award-winning journalist, Anna Maria Tremonti published her podcast series, Welcome to Paradise. This is her memoir of an abusive marriage and the secrets she held on to for 40 years. Ms. Tremonti is one of Canada’s most fearless journalists who reported on stories from dangerous war zones. Her story is a testament to how coercive control impacts women from all segments of society and not just those down on their luck.
What is Coercive Control?
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist who has extensively studied narcissism and toxic relationships. She describes coercive control as a series of behaviours that occur over time and behind closed doors. The goal is to manipulate and erode a person’s confidence and independence. Survivors report being verbally abused, having their feelings invalidated, being constantly monitored and unable to make simple choices for themselves. Many experience confusion and an inability to trust their instincts, wondering whether they “imagined” the problems. Dr. Ramani likens it to being trapped in” “an invisible prison”.
Common tactics of coercive control include:
- Isolation: Limiting your contact with friends, family, or colleagues. They might try to pull you away from people who could offer support, making you feel dependent on them.
- Monitoring: Checking every move you make, from who you talk to, where you go, and even how you spend your money.
- Micromanagement: Dictating what you wear, how you act, or even what you think. You might feel like there’s a rulebook you’re supposed to follow—but the rules change daily.
- Subtle Threats: Small, persistent insinuations that make you uneasy and on edge.
- Gaslighting: A big one. Dr. Ramani often points out that gaslighting (making you question your reality and memories) is a way to make you doubt yourself and lose confidence. You start feeling like you can’t trust your judgment.
How to Recognize Coercive Control
Coercive control is difficult to spot because it looks different in every relationship. It tends to build gradually and then weeks, months or even years later, you realize how different things are from when you started. You might suddenly look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. Dr. Ramani provides signals that can help you identify coercive control, whether in your life or someone else’s:
- Feeling Like You’re Walking on Eggshells: Are you constantly worried about “setting them off” or saying the wrong thing?
- Hiding Parts of Yourself: In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe being yourself and authentic. If you hide your opinions, interests, or personality to keep the peace, then recognize it as a big red flag.
- Constant Criticism: One of Dr. Ramani’s key points is that a controlling partner often wears down their partner’s self-esteem with unending critiques. After a while, you believe them, causing your self-esteem to tumble downhill.
- Losing Your Support System: Controlling partners often aim to be your only influence. Subtly or otherwise, they distance you from friends and family.
- Feeling Dependent: They reinforce your inability to leave them by making you financially, emotionally, or practically dependent on them. This often goes hand-in-hand with other forms of control, creating an overwhelming sense that you cannot survive without them.
Moving Forward from Coercive Control
By design, coercive control makes you feel powerless. Over time, it erodes your self-confidence and sense of independence, making it nearly impossible to envision life outside of the relationship. Many people in these situations feel embarrassed, ashamed, or even responsible. They ask themselves how they let this happen. But here’s the thing: no one “lets” coercive control happen. This is a subtle, gradual and treacherous form of abuse which only becomes clear in hindsight. The shame one feels is a part of the control itself; it keeps you from seeking help or trusting your instincts.
When you recognize signs of it in your relationship, it is time to reconnect with your true self and regain agency over your life. Here are concrete steps to help you along:
- Listen to Your Gut: Your feelings are real and valid. Start trusting your instincts even when you feel sure. If something feels off, it probably is.
- Reconnect with Friends and Family: Speak to trusted friends and family about your situation. You will find great freedom when you step away from the shame and isolation you have experienced. Reaching out to others for perspective and support will help you build your “community” again.
- Learn About Coercive Control: Knowledge can be powerful. Understanding what’s going on can give you a sense of validation and confidence to take action.
- Seek Professional Support: Everyone deserves love, respect and autonomy. One of the most important behavioural changes in the journey to empowerment is prioritizing your needs and setting boundaries. Often, this is easier to do with a trained professional. Trauma-informed therapists can offer life-changing support that will allow you to move forward in a judgement-free space, and at a pace that works for you.
