Tips for Reigniting Passion After Marriage and Kids
After years together, it’s normal for the initial spark of passion to dim, even as love and trust deepen. Many couples face this challenge, but the good news is that reigniting passion is possible with intention and care. As a clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience working with couples, I’ve seen firsthand how transformative it can be to focus on reconnecting emotionally and physically.
Relationship expert Esther Perel explores these dynamics in her groundbreaking book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. In it, she delves into the paradox of love and desire and offers insights into how couples can balance intimacy and independence to keep their relationships alive with passion. Drawing on her ideas and my own experiences working with couples, here are practical tips for reigniting the flame in long-term relationships.
Embrace the Paradox of Love and Desire
Perel highlights that love and desire often have competing needs. Love seeks closeness, security, and predictability, while desire thrives on distance, mystery, and novelty. Long-term relationships often prioritize emotional intimacy, unintentionally stifling the unpredictability that fuels passion.
Tip: Give each other space to grow as individuals. Pursue your own hobbies and passions, and allow your partner to do the same. Witnessing your partner’s independence can become a spark for reigniting passion, attraction and curiosity.
Inject Playfulness into Your Relationship
One of Perel’s key messages is that eroticism flourishes in an atmosphere of playfulness and curiosity. Over time, life turns into a routine, especially after kids come into the fold. Couples find little time left over for fun and spontaneity.
Tip: Reintroduce humour and play into your relationship. Flirt with each other, plan a surprise date, or experiment with new activities together. The more you cultivate lightheartedness and exploration, the more you open the door to intimacy.
Create Space for Erotic Energy
Perel encourages couples to reframe how they think about eroticism—not just as physical intimacy but as an attitude that can infuse your entire relationship. Erotic energy often requires space, freedom, and anticipation, which can be difficult to maintain when couples fall into routines.
Tip: Break free from monotony by trying something different. Shift familiar patterns by exploring a new setting for intimacy, changing the time of day, or experimenting with sensory elements like music, candles, or scents. Even small changes can make a big difference.
Reconnect with Your Individual Sexuality
The desire for your partner often begins with a desire for yourself. Perel notes that people who feel disconnected from their own sense of sexuality, consequently, struggle to bring energy into the relationship.
Tip: Engage in self-care that makes you feel confident and vibrant. This might include focusing on physical wellness, exploring your own fantasies, or rediscovering what makes you feel attractive and alive.
Build Anticipation and Longing
According to Perel, anticipation is one of the most powerful aspects of desire. Consequently, the early stages of a relationship are exciting and desire-filled as you long to see each other and imagine what’s to come. However, over time, that sense of longing can fade as predictability takes over.
Tip: Cultivate moments of anticipation by planning romantic surprises, sending flirty texts during the day, or setting up date nights that give you both something to look forward to. Anticipation can reignite the thrill of connection.
Address Emotional Barriers
Unresolved conflicts, stress, or lingering resentments can act as barriers to intimacy. Perel emphasizes the importance of clearing these emotional obstacles to make space for passion.
Tip: Have open and honest conversations about any challenges in your relationship. Address issues constructively and with compassion. Sometimes, working with a couples therapist can help resolve deeper emotional blocks and restore intimacy.
Treat Your Partner as a Mystery
Perel reminds us that desire often lives in the space between partners—the space where they remain a bit unknown. In long-term relationships, we can fall into the trap of thinking we know everything about our partner, which can dull the sense of curiosity that fuels attraction.
Tip: Rediscover your partner by asking new questions or sharing fantasies you’ve never discussed before. Engage in activities that challenge you both to grow and learn together. Viewing your partner as someone to continually discover can reignite the spark of excitement.
Normalize the Ebbs and Flows of Passion
Perel stresses that passion naturally ebbs and flows over the course of a relationship. Accepting this as normal allows couples to approach the process of reigniting desire with patience and compassion rather than frustration.
Tip: Reframe lulls in passion as opportunities to reconnect, grow, and try new approaches. Instead of seeing them as failures, view them as part of the journey toward a deeper connection.
Communicate About Your Desires
Many couples avoid discussing their sex lives, assuming things should “just happen.” However, open communication is essential for understanding and meeting each other’s needs. Perel emphasizes that desire flourishes in relationships where partners can talk openly about intimacy.
Tip: Schedule regular check-ins to discuss your intimacy. Share your thoughts, dreams, and preferences in a way that feels positive and collaborative. This openness can strengthen your emotional and physical connection.
Keep Curiosity Alive
Perel often speaks about the importance of cultivating curiosity—not just about your partner but about yourself and the relationship as a whole. Curiosity keeps the energy alive and helps you view your relationship as a living, evolving bond.
Tip: Stay curious about what brings you and your partner joy, excitement, and pleasure. Experiment, explore, and grow together.
Final Thoughts
Reigniting passion in a long-term relationship takes effort, creativity, and intention. By balancing intimacy with independence, embracing playfulness, and communicating openly, you can cultivate a relationship that feels vibrant and alive.
As Esther Perel suggests in Mating in Captivity, erotic energy isn’t something that happens spontaneously—it’s something we create. With curiosity and care, you and your partner can keep the spark alive for years to come.
