Parenting and Teen Identity

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

Factors That Influence Teen Identity

The journey through adolescence is a profound time of self-discovery. Teenagers are bombarded with cultural expectations, social pressures, and social media which can distort reality and foster comparison. All of these impact their sense of identity, and form the foundation of who they become as adults. Parental guidance is more important than ever to nurture teen identity, foster authentic self-love, and model healthy body image, and good self-esteem. Adults can influence a teenager’s emotional well-being and resilience more than anyone else.

How Parents Can Support Teen Identity Development

Teenagers want to spread their wings, develop their styles, and be their “own person”. While they crave independence, they still require adults in their lives, at arm’s length to guide them. Scientific evidence is clear about the foundational stability that children require in these formative years.

In his book, The Power of Showing Up, Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegal describes how secure attachment between parents and kids comes down to a parent “showing up”. 

“When parents consistently show up, their children’s minds come to expect that the world is a place that can be understood and meaningfully interacted with—even in times of trouble and pain. Showing up thus creates neural pathways in our kids that lead to selfhood, grit, strength, and resilience.”

Dr. Daniel Siegal

The 4 S’s

To help parents along, Dr. Siegel developed a handy series of 4 S’s to understand their adolescents’ emotional need for connection. Your teen wants you to “SEE” them not just physically, but also emotionally. They want you to understand their emotional experiences with empathy. Your teen also requires “SAFETY“, requiring you not to harm them with your words and actions. To manage the volley of confusing emotions coming at them from all directions they need “SOOTHING“, which you can offer with understanding, validation, and reassurance. And finally, every teenager needs a caregiver to help them feel “SECURE” with an internalized sense of well-being. When adults foster these vital and rudimentary attachment needs, children grow up able to process emotions healthily.

Teen Identity and Inner Exploration

With dialogue and shared activities, you can encourage your teen to explore their inner selves and cultivate a deeper understanding of their values, passions, and strengths. Building inherent worthiness can help minimize their need for external validation. Celebrate your own accomplishments and successes, no matter how small to model how they, too, can feel good about themselves. Give them space and opportunities for self-reflection through journaling, mindfulness practices, and creative expression. You can also help them develop a growth mindset, so they approach new challenges as opportunities for self-growth. Use examples from your own life to demonstrate how making mistakes is human, and normal. This will help them rise from failure and understand that stress in life is not a “bad” thing.

Mindful Media Consumption

The internet and social media are formidable influencers of teen identity today. Parenting in these times can seem overwhelming because you have to balance the benefits of these mediums with the harm they can spread. You can start by setting limits on screen time and parental controls to limit exposure to inappropriate content. You can also set screen-free times where everyone engages with each other in person. Dinner time, bedtime and family outings are perfect for taking breaks from phones. Of course, this means you too must model behaviours you want to see in your child.

Actively engage in critical discussions about curated online profiles, influencers and ads which may not reflect real life. You can also help them discern the difference between genuine personal relationships and superficial validation that comes with likes and comments on social media posts. Similarly, ensure you support them when negative comments threaten to tear down their self-esteem. Parents can instill strong values in their teens so they operate online with the same decorum and etiquette you expect from them in the real world.

When age-appropriate, parents should discuss bullying, trolling and predatory online behaviour. Just as you guide your children to operate safely in the real world, you can also teach them to be mindful of nefarious behaviour by individuals who operate anonymously from behind a computer screen.

Authentic Connections

Teenagers require strong and authentic connections in their ecosystem. Family, friends and mentors can create a supportive environment for teens to grow into their authentic selves. When teenagers feel accepted and valued for who they are, not only will their self-confidence blossom, but they will also develop the inner strength to overcome judgment and failure. Rather than preaching and giving advice, explore “compassionate curiosity” and allow them to offer opinions to resolve problems.

Encourage your teenager to engage in family and community activities where they learn to negotiate, compromise and develop interpersonal skills. Help them advocate for themselves and set healthy boundaries to prioritize their well-being.

Self-Esteem and Teen Identity

Self-esteem is your teen’s opinion of themselves. As they grow up, this becomes foundational to how they engage in the world, personally and professionally. Some therapists believe that healthy self-esteem is one of the determinants of excellence in life. You can give your teen a boost with compliments about their appearance. However, shifting focus from how they look to their inner qualities and character strengths will go a long way in building their self-esteem. When you celebrate values like kindness, empathy and resiliency, you also reinforce how true beauty comes from within. Cultivating your teenager’s unique talents and passions fosters a sense of purpose and fulfillment beyond superficial measures of success.

While self-esteem develops over many years, the teenage years are pivotal. This is when their bodies undergo phenomenal changes and their desire to fit in increases. Their looks and appearance start playing a bigger role in their identity. Parents can step in to help their teen appreciate their bodies for what they can do, rather than how they look. Teach them the importance of self-care, nourishing foods, and regular physical activity so they learn to take care of their physical selves. In addition, you can dramatically empower your teen with literacy on countering unrealistic beauty standards and embracing diverse representations of beauty.

Your teen will need empathy and understanding to accept perceived imperfections they see in themselves. You can offer this by listening to them, modelling good self-esteem, and practicing a validating communication style. Fostering a culture of self-compassion within your household will help your teens treat themselves with kindness and understanding.

Handling Criticism

One of the most difficult issues with raising teenagers is teaching them how to handle criticism. Teenagers don’t like receiving advice from their parents. However, their self-development into adulthood will require them to accept criticism constructively. Parents can teach them this important life lesson in a safe and positive environment.

Express your concerns to them kindly but directly. You may receive an eye-roll or a loud, “I know!” Realize that their snappiness may be embarrassment or shame in disguise. Give them time to process and ask for their opinion. Your teen may disagree with you but your willingness to genuinely hear them out will go a long way to building trust between you. If your child believes you respect and love them, they will be more open to accepting your criticism. This will help them accept feedback as opportunities for growth rather than reflections of their worth.

Seeking Professional Help

Teenagers are moody, confused, defiant, prone to reckless behaviour, and excessive sleep. For some households, this creates the perfect storm for strife. Some parents cannot decipher whether their teen is depressed or simply transitioning naturally through adolescence.  During this time family relationships must adjust to new dynamics. As your teen craves independence from you, painful conflicts can occur even when you deeply love them and want to help.

Most parents look for help initially by conducting online research. You may call your in-laws, other parents, friends and teachers for guidance. If you receive conflicting advice and your child’s situation has not changed, it might be time for professional therapy. Often, it only takes a few sessions to get you to communicate effectively with each other again. Contact us about how our therapy sessions are a worthwhile investment towards happy and healthy relationships.

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