How to Reduce Fighting Over Money & Budgets

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Fighting Over Money

With the holiday season behind us, the bills are now coming up for payment. This may be a stressful time for some couples, particularly if you do not communicate regularly and meaningfully about your household finances. Therapists cite fighting over money as one of the leading causes of conflict between partners. If tempers flare these arguments can become highly charged and contemptuous. Addressing such issues early can help you avoid complete relationship breakdowns. A healthy discussion about finances requires you to find common ground. The first step to getting there requires you to build the foundation of an emotionally secure relationship.

The Emotional Bank Account

An Emotional Bank Account metaphorically represents the emotional connection between you and your partner. It was conceptualized by world-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Just as you deposit money into a savings account to secure your financial future, you invest in people emotionally for the health and longevity of your relationship. Positive deposits include acts of love, trust, understanding, and support, while withdrawals involve hurtful words, unresolved misunderstandings, and conflicts.

Discussions about household finances require a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their opinions and concerns. This is accomplished much more easily when you have less of an adversarial need to ‘win’ or be right. Just like a real bank account, having a balance of zero is problematic, and having a negative balance is a sign of a relationship in critical health. If your household finances require addressing, then first ensure that your relationship is at a stage where you can openly speak to and understand each other’s financial values, goals, and concerns. Without that solid foundation, you will find yourselves constantly fighting over money issues, and exacerbating your problems.

Financial Literacy

Those exposed to financial literacy at a young age or in a financial-related career will likely have a better grasp of managing household finances. If your partner is less financially savvy than you, resist the urge to take over the finances to make life easier. In the long term, this can create an unhealthy imbalance in the relationship where you will find yourselves fighting over money matters. Try instead to invest time to bring your partner up to speed. You can engage the services of a neutral third party, such as a financial advisor or credit counsellor to help you approach this step by step.

Also, every individual has a unique relationship with money. If you are both savers, you will face fewer challenges than two spenders. However, imagine a scenario with a saver and a spender in the same household! The saver will constantly resent the spender for buying expensive lattes daily. Well before the finger-pointing and laying blame begins, try to understand each other’s spending style and discuss it.

Communication

Effective communication is key to resolving problems in relationships and finances are no exception. Couples should regularly set time aside specifically to discuss money matters. Having respect and empathy for each other will help you validate the feelings and concerns both of you bring to these meetings. Instead of attacking your partner for their overspending, help them understand your perspective by using “I” statements. For example, “I feel stressed when our expenses exceed our income.” Listening without interrupting or passing judgment is also a key factor in effective communication. Have patience, and give each other space to express themselves.

Your financial meetings should include decisions about having a joint account, separate accounts or a combination of both. Divide financial responsibilities by determining who pays the bills, and who keeps track of the budget. You can review balances in your bank, credit card and investment accounts together during these meetings. Use this time to plan how to pay off an unexpected expense, or manage through an upcoming job layoff.

Finally, remember that financial discussions require complete honesty. You may be embarrassed to disclose a $20,000 credit card debt that you bring into the relationship. If your partner discovers this three years into your marriage, you will lose their trust. Earning it back will be a long and difficult journey. Secrecy undermines marriages and can threaten intimacy. You should make your financial meetings a safe place to discuss everything openly to reduce fighting over money,

Creating a Budget

Budgeting is an important life skill and a powerful tool to manage finances. Both partners should create a budget together based on their household income. Agree on long-term goals, like paying off a mortgage and short-term goals like saving for a vacation. Most importantly, ensure that you both have equitable leeway with your independent discretionary spending each month. Neither partner should feel like they need permission to spend money on a golf game or a manicure.

You can review your budget and financial goals during your dedicated financial meetings to prevent problems from building up and festering into larger conflicts. If one of you does not stick to the budget, having one in place can actually reduce fighting over money. Financial arguments often happen over assumptions and emotions. Your budget will offer hard facts, and the numbers will not lie. 

Couples with a shared vision of their financial future can often support and motivate each other to stay on track to achieve their goals. More importantly, in the event of a breakup, both of you should have a full and clear picture of your assets and debts.  

Seeking Professional Help for Fighting Over Money

Fighting over money can be detrimental to relationships. It is no surprise that a study by Jeffrey Dew of Utah State University concluded that married couples who argued weekly about money were twice as likely to divorce than those who disagreed less than once a month.

As described above, resolving such conflicts requires your Emotional Bank Account to be in good standing. Having this foundation can help you communicate openly and respectfully with each other so you can create a shared commitment to your financial well-being. If you do not have that solid bedrock in place, then seek professional help. Every relationship is unique, and the strategies that work best for one couple may not for another. A qualified therapist can help you get to the bottom of your specific situation so you can shore your relationship up to a place where productive discussions about your finances are possible.

Contact us to discover how our therapy sessions are a worthwhile investment towards happy and healthy relationships.

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